go do this, it's fun!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians; the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a campfire?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?? (or read my blog, lol?)
and how about a few rednecks?
you might be a redneck if you've ever released a hostage in exchange for pizza.
. . . the tallest building you've ever seen was a water tower.
. . . you've spent more time on parole than on payroll.
. . . you've ever clogged your vacuum with a small animal (do catnip mice count?)
. . . you have a recipe for catfish lasagna (hmmmm, seafood lasagna?)
. . . you're making "rabit ears" behind the bride in your wedding photos (liam tried!)
. . . your work gloves double as kleenex(ewwwwwww)
. . . your trailer has an ornamental fountain out front (i thought those were in?)
. . . the other guys in your hunting club chip in to buy you new long johns (no comment!)
. . . you think a waterbed is a status symbol
. . . your most expensive jacket is camouflage.
. . . your entire family lives in the same area code
. . . you know for a fact a sock can be used as toilet paper (let's hope they toss it when they're done!)
i'll post more later, i'm just getting ready for the home invasion known as thanksgiving dinner (ugh)